A man walks into a convenience store and asks the shop assistant where he can find the shaving cream.

“Aisle 3,” replies the assistant.

The man finds the shaving cream and returns to the counter to pay for it.

The assistant asks “What kind of razor do you have?”

The man replies “What does it matter?”

The assistant says “Well, sometimes different creams work better with certain razors.”

Thinking the assistant is talking bullshit, the man pays and leaves.

A few days later, the man returns to the store for toothpaste.

This time the assistant asks “What kind of toothbrush do you use?”

The man replies “What does it matter?”

The assistant says “Well, sometimes different toothpastes work better with certain toothbrushes.”

The following week, the man enters the store with a box in his hand. He walks up to the shop assistant and says “Take a whiff of that!”

The assistant does so and recoils in disgust.

“That smells like shit!” he says.

“Exactly!” says the man. “Now what brand of toilet paper should I buy?”

A man with a serious winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we’re afraid your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry, we can’t hire you.”

“But wait!” says the interviewee. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking.”

“Really? Great! Show me.!” says the interviewer.

So the interviewee reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and stops winking.

“Well,” said the interviewer. “That’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country.”

“Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!” exclaimed the interviewee.

“So how do you explain all these condoms?” asked the interviewer.

“Oh, that!” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to a major department store in search of a job. The manager liked him, so he gave him a job as a salesman.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked him “So how many sales did you make today?”

The salesman answered “One.”

The manager groaned. “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

The salesman replied “£101,237.64.”

The manager choked and exclaimed “£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?”

The salesman said “Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.”

“Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.”

“Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki.”

The manager said incredulously “You mean to tell me, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4 x 4?”

The salesman replied “No, no, no. He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said ‘Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you might as well go fishing’.”

A young boy asks his father “How many different kind of ladies boobs are there?”

His father answers, “Well, breasts vary depending on a woman’s age. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” asks the boy.

“Yeah,” replies his father. “You see them and they make you cry.”

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother “Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?”

Her mother answers “Well, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” asked the daughter.

“Dried up and the balls are only there for decoration,” explained the mother.

A man wants to get married, but he is having trouble choosing from three likely candidates. So he gives each woman £5,000 and waits to see what each does with the money.

The first has a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, has new make up and buys several new outfits so she can dress up for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him, because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She makes 350% profit and, after returning £5,000 to the man, she reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future, because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then he married the blonde with the big tits.

A circus owner advertises for a lion tamer.

Two young adults apply for the job. One is a bloke in his mid-twenties, while the other is a gorgeous blonde woman of roughly the same age.

The circus owner tells them “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you’d better be good or you’re history.”

He points to a pile of stuff by the lion’s cage.

“Here’s your equipment: a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to go first?”

The young woman says “I’ll go first.”

She walks past the equipment and steps straight into the lion’s cage.

The lion starts to snarl and then roar and then charges at her.

Unabashed, the young woman throws open her coat to reveal her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in its tracks.

Sheepishly, it crawls up to the young woman and licks her ankles. Then it moves onto her calves, kisses them, and finally rests its head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor.

“I’ve never seen a display like that in my life,” he says.

He turns to the young man and asks “Can you top that?”

“No problem,” replies the young man. “Just get that lion out of the cage.”

The Emperor of Japan advertised for a new chief samurai warrior. Three people applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.

“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward and opened a tiny box to release a fly. He drew his sword and swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

The Chinese samurai smiled and opened a tiny box to release a fly. He drew his sword and swish! swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered.

The Jewish samurai stepped forward and released his fly. He drew his sword and swooooooosh! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind.

The fly let out a high-pitched scream, but continued to fly around.

“What kind of skill is that?” asked the Emperor. “The fly isn’t even dead”.

“Dead, schmead” replied the Jewish samurai. “Dead is easy. But circumcision, now that takes skill.”

A man is standing in a queue at the supermarket, when he notices that the sexy blonde standing behind him is smiling knowingly at him.

He is quite taken aback that such a looker would be doing this to him. He thinks her face is familiar, but he can’t place where he might know her from.

He says “Sorry, do you know me?”

She replies “I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children.”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

“Christ!” he says “Are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates, whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and put a cucumber up my arse?”

“Um, no,” she says. “I’m your son’s Maths teacher.”

Three bulls hear that the rancher is bringing another bull onto the ranch.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here three years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I ain’t givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me too. I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to the thirty cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’m keeping all my cows.”

The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year and so far you guys have only let me have ten cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I must keep all my cows.”

As they finish their talk, an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it, the biggest sonofabitch bull they had ever seen. Each step he took towards the ground strained the steel ramp to breaking point.

The first bull says, “You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

The third bull says, “He can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows that I’m a bull!”

A man and his young son are in a chemist’s shop, when the son sees the shelf of condoms.

“What are these for, Dad?” he asks.

His dad replies “Well son, those are condoms and they’re for protection when you’re having sex.”

The son picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it.

His dad replies “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

The son picks up one with six condoms asks “Why six?”

His dad replies “Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

The son notices the twelve pack of condoms and asks “Why twelve?”

His dad replies “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

A policeman found a very drunk man staggering about the pavement with a key in his hand.

“What’s happening here then?” asked the policeman.

“They stole my car!” shouted the man.

“Where did you last see the car, sir?” asked the policeman.

“On the end of this key!” wailed the man.

The policeman looked hard at the man and said “Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?”

“Shit!” screamed the drunk. “They kidnapped my wife too!”

An American tourist in London is wandering around the city, taking in the sights and generally getting to know the people. Every so often he stops at a pub, orders a pint and takes the opportunity to chat with the natives.

Eventually the beer catches up with him. He has to go, but he’s in a part of the city with no pubs, no stores, no restaurants and no public toilets, just large, stately residences. Close to the point of passing out, he finds a narrow side street with high walls on both sides and opts to take a leak there.

He starts to unzip his trousers, but then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns his head to find a policeman stood behind him.

“I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t do that here,” says the policeman.

“I’m sorry as well, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go and I can’t find a public toilet.”

“Follow me, sir,” says the policeman, who proceeds to lead the American to a wall with a small gate. Opening the gate, he says “Try in there.”

The American goes through the gate and emerges into the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Everything is perfection: manicured lawns, statuary, fountains and sculptured hedges, one of which he waters generously.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the policeman, “Thanks. Was that an example of British hospitality?”

“No, sir,” replies the policeman. “That was the French Embassy.”

A gay couple are out for a drive one afternoon when they are rear ended by an articulated truck.

Furious, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says “I’m gonna sue your ass!”

The truck driver laughs and says “Suck my dick!”

The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up.

He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover “You won’t believe it, but he wants to settle out of court!”

An Irishman named O’Malley went to see his doctor after a long illness.

After a lengthy examination, the doctor sighed, looked O’Malley straight in the eye and said “Its’ bad news, I’m afraid. You have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month to live.”

O’Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.

O’Malley said, “Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After four pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. Eventually they were approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends, who asked what the two were celebrating.

O’Malley told them that they were drinking to his impending end. “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS,” he said.

The friends gave O’Malley their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered to his father “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS.”

O’Malley replied “I AM dying of cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them bastards sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”