A man and a woman were having sex in a dark forest.

After about ten minutes, the man said “You know, I wish I had a torch.”

“So do I”, replied the woman. “You’ve been eating grass for the last ten minutes.

An aeroplane is on its way to Houston, when a blonde in Economy Class gets up, moves to the First Class section and sits down.

A flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit there.

The blonde replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”

The flight attendant goes to the cockpit. She tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman, who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde!”

So the pilot goes to see the blonde and whispers in her ear.

“Oh! I’m sorry!” she says, gets up and moves back to her seat in Economy Class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make the blonde move without any fuss.

“I told her First Class isn’t going to Houston.”

A man sees a beautiful woman in a bar.

After taking an hour to summon up the courage, he moves to her table and asks shyly “Would you mind if I chatted to you for a while?”

The woman yells “No! I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar stares at them.

Naturally, the man is hopelessly embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him.

“I’m sorry I embarrassed you,” she says with a smile. “I’m a psychology student and I’m seeing how people respond to an embarrassing situation.”

The man yells “What do you mean, £200?”

Two pensioners had been dating for a few weeks. Finally, the evening came when they decided to have sex.

As they lay in bed afterward, the man thought to himself “If I’d known she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle with her.”

And the woman thought to herself “If I’d known he could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose.”

After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Canada’s RCMP for help.

The RCMP cabled the White House: “Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down.”

A gay couple are out for a drive one afternoon.

While stationary at a set of traffic lights, they are rear ended by a white van.

Furious, the guy in the passenger seat gets out of the car, walks to the van and starts banging on the door. The van driver opens the door and the gay guy says “I’m going to sue your arse.”

The van driver laughs and says “Suck my dick!”

The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up.

He runs back to the car and says excitedly to his partner “You won’t believe it, but he wants to settle out of court.”

A man arrived at a fancy dress party wearing nothing but his underpants.

“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.

“A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my pants.”

Three men were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women and started getting friendly with them, when suddenly the Sheikh came in.

“I am the master of all these women,” said the Sheikh. “No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.”

The Sheikh turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.

“I’m a cop”, said the first man.

“Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the Sheikh.

He turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

“I’m a fireman”, said the second man.

“Then we will burn your penis off!”, said the sheikh.

Finally, he asked the third man “And you, what do you do for a living?”

And the third man answered “I’m a lollipop salesman.”

A reporter is interviewing a woman aged 104.

He asks “What do you think is the best thing about being 104?”

The woman replies “No peer pressure.”

George W. Bush went to see his doctor to get the results of his brain scan.

The doctor said: “Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side.”

Bush interrupted “That’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?”

The doctor replied “That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left.”

A man went into a chemist and asked the girl behind the counter for three packs of condoms.

“Have you tried the coloured ones?” she asked. “There’s blue, red and yellow.”

“Actually I haven’t, but I think I will give them a go,” replied the man. “I’ll have a pack of each colour please.”

The girl gave him the condoms and he left.

Nine months later, the same man walked into the chemist. The same girl was serving behind the counter.

“I’ll have one maternity bra please,” said the man.

“What bust?” asked the girl.

The man replied “The blue one.”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And, most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.

About to undergo a minor operation, a beautiful young woman is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet and examines her naked body. Then he walks away and confers with another man in a white coat.

The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.

When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”

The man shrugs and says “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the corridors.”

A man was complaining to a workmate about a pain in his elbow.

“It hurts like hell,” he said. “I suppose I’d better see a doctor.”

“Don’t waste your time at the surgery,” his mate replied. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the supermarket. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs a fiver.”

So the man collected a urine sample and took it to the supermarket.

He popped five, one pound coins into the computer, which responded by asking for his urine sample. The man poured the sample into a slot on top of the computer and waited.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout that read:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks”.

The man was amazed, but he began wondering whether the computer could be fooled. So he mixed some tap water with a stool sample from his dog, added urine samples from his wife and daughter and, for good measure, masturbated into the mixture. Then he hurried back to the supermarket.

He popped five, one pound coins into the computer and, when bidden by the computer, poured the sample into the slot. Ten seconds later, the computer printed the following:

“1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren’t yours. See a solicitor.

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.”