A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It isn't loud, but everyone at the table hears the pouf.

Before she even has a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looks over at the dog that has been snoozing at the woman's feet and says, in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thinks, "This is great!" and a big smile comes across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she begins to feel the pain again. This time, she doesn't even hesitate and lets a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looks at the dog and yells, "Dammit, Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiles and thinks "Yes!".

A few minutes later, the woman has to let another one rip. This time she doesn't even think about it. She lets rip a fart that rivals a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looks at the dog with disgust and yells, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop dead gorgeous blonde, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man,oh man! Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow,that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had an efficiency expert here. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal.

As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute!" said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both on Oxford Street shopping for their wives.

The poor man says to the rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"

He replies, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring."

The poor man asks, "Why'd you get her both?"

The rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy."

The poor man says, "OK. That works."

The rich man asks, "Well what did you get your wife?"

The poor man replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"

The poor man replies, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesa fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did laddy, boot ah couldna get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!"

The Emperor of Japan advertised for a new chief samurai warrior.

Three people applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward and opened a tiny box to release a fly. He drew his sword and swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

The Chinese samurai smiled and opened a tiny box to release a fly. He drew his sword and swish! swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered.

The Jewish samurai stepped forward and released his fly. He drew his sword and swooooooosh!

The speed of his sword created a gust of wind.

The fly let out a high-pitched scream, but continued to fly around.

"What kind of skill is that?" asked the Emperor. "The fly isn't even dead".

"Dead, schmead" replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. But circumcision, now that takes skill."

The following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world - the conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear...

~~~~~~~~~~

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Fort Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high.

Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.

They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but I didn't stop."

~~~~~~~~~~

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following.

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Two middle-aged women were brought before King Solomon, dragging a young, smartly-dressed man between them.

"What's the problem?" asked King Solomon.

"This man agreed to marry my daughter," said one of the women.

"No! He agreed to marry my daughter," said the other.

The proceedings then developed into a squabble and threatened to erupt into a catfight.

"Listen up!" shouted King Solomon.

The women went quiet.

"Bring me my sharpest sword," said Solomon, "And I shall hew the young man in two. Each of you shall receive half of him."

"Sounds good to me," said the first woman.

But the other woman said "My King! Do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The King did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed "The man must marry the first woman's daughter."

"But she was willing to have him hewn in two!" exclaimed a member of the court.

"Indeed," said King Solomon. "Which shows that she is the true mother-in-law."

A man is standing in the queue at a supermarket.

He notices that a rather dishy blonde standing a few places behind him has raised her hand and smiled at him.

Although rather taken aback that such a good looking woman would be waving to him, he realises that she does look familiar. Even so, he can't recall where he knows her from, so he says "Sorry! Do I know you?"

The woman replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

The man's mind shoots back to the one and only time that he has been unfaithful.

"Christ!" he exclaims. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates, whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No!" she replies. "I'm your son's English teacher."

In ancient Greece, Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I would like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say."

"OK."

"The first filter is Truth," continued the philosopher. "Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No. Quite the contrary."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, I suppose it isn't really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing his wife.

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court. The police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge.

Three hookers stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about, your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested that she testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, competition is really tough!"

An eccentric billionaire holds an open day at his mansion. Anyone who fancies it can turn up and join the party. 2,000 people turn out.

Late in the evening, the billionaire asks everyone to gather near the pool, which is at least twice the size of an Olympic pool and sports numerous fountains and features. The party gathers around to hear what he has to say.

"This pool is filled with piranha fish, sharks and alligators," announces the billionaire. "The person brave enough to swim across the pool and survive will earn the right to ask for anything they desire. You can take your pick from my property portfolio, ask for a billion pounds, even my virgin daughter's hand in marriage if you so wish. And," he adds "She gets everything when I die."

There is a loud splash.

After no more than a minute, a man emerges on the other side of the pool. Looking bedraggled and bleeding profusely from many bites and gashes, he lays down by the pool to gather his strength.

The billionaire man walks around the pool to where the man is laying and says "Son, that was the bravest thing I have ever seen in in my life. I am a man of my word, so what would you like? Would you like one of my mansions?"

The man looks at him and says "No, sir."

The billionaire asks "Would you like a billion pounds?"

Again the man says "No, sir."

The billionaire asks "Would you like my virgin daughter's hand in marriage?"

Once again the man replies "No, sir."

Baffled, the billionaire says "So what is it you want, son?"

The man looks straight at the billionaire and says "I want the mother fucker who pushed me in the pool."

A man enters his favourite restaurant and sits at his regular table.

Looking around, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to her, knowing that if she acccepts it she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and takes it over to the woman, saying "This is from the gentleman over there."

The woman regards the wine coolly for a second and decides to send a note over to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note reads "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decides to compose one of his own in return. He hands it to the waiter and instructs him to return this to the woman.

The note reads "For your information, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

Ten things often said in the office that could be taken the wrong way:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!

5. Hmmm, I think it's out of fluid...

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!

These individual quotes were allegedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom... and has started to dig."

2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4) "This employee is really not so much a has-been, but more a definite won't be."

5) "Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it's only to change feet."

7) "He would be out of his depth in a car-park puddle."

8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11) "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

13) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

14) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

15) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

16) "He's been working with glue too much."

17) "He would argue with a signpost."

18) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

19) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

20) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

21) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, then he's the other one."

23) "A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."

24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

25) "Donated his brain to science before he'd finished with it."

26) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

27) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

28) "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change."

29) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the sea."

30) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

31) "One neuron short of a synapse."

32) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge - he only gargled."

33) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

A little bloke steps into an elevator, looks up and sees a HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The black guy sees the little man staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little man faints and falls to the floor.

The black guy kneels down and gently slaps his face to bring him round.

In a very weak voice, the little man says "Excuse me, but what exactly did you say?"

The black guy says "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying twat told you I was speeding too!