A farmer buys a new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old resident rooster and says "Time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies "Surely you can't handle all of these chickens. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says "No way. You're past it and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says "Is that so? Tell you what, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You don't stand a chance. So, to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off and ten seconds later the young rooster goes running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only a few inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - blows the young rooster to bits.

Shaking his head, the farmer says "Bollocks! That's the third gay rooster I bought this month."

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management."

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible.

Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm.

He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things.

Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively and says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for?"

Finally, the guy says alright and hands over the fifteen dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird and closes the curtain.

Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain. The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers.

He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"

A man was riding a camel through the desert. It was weeks since he'd had sex and, with no women around, his mind and his eyes turned to his camel.

Problem was that the camel wasn't keen on the idea. Every time its rider positioned himself for entry, the camel ran away. After a long night of this, frustrated after many unsuccessful attempts to hump the camel, the man gave up and began to ride again.

This continued night after night. They would stop after a day's hard travelling through the desert, the man would feed and water the camel before making a meal, then he'd try to have sex with the camel again. Every time the camel ran away.

One day they came to the edge of the desert and a road. As luck would have it, there was a broken down car with three buxom blondes.

"Can I be of any assistance?" asked the man.

"Let's hope so," replied the buxomest blonde. "Can you fix our car? We'll do anything you want if you can."

The man knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he had finished, the women asked, "How can we repay you?"

The man thought for a while and then said "Just come over here and hold this camel, can you?"

A bear, a lion and a chicken met up for a bull session one day.

The bear said "When I roar, the entire forest shivers with fear."

The lion responded "When I roar, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

And the chicken said "Big deal! I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself."

Spring has sprung.

The baby bear comes out of his cave. He's a wreck, all skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His knees are wobbling.

His mother sees him and says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"

Junior replies, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. They sit down and the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "Several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

A zebra in a circus became sick, so the owner decided to leave it at a farm until it recovered.

After a few days the zebra was well enough to walk and decided to take a stroll around the farm. While going around he met a chicken.

"I am a Zebra," he said, "And I work in a circus. Who are you and what do you do?"

The chicken replied "I am a chicken. I scratch the ground and lay eggs."

Then the zebra met a cow and, after a similar introduction, the cow said "I am a cow. I say moo and I give milk."

Then he came upon a bull.

"I am a Zebra," he said, "And I work in the circus. Who are you and what do you do?"

The bull said "Take off those pyjamas and I'll show you who I am and just what exactly I do."

Q: What's the only animal that has an arsehole half way up its back?
A: A police horse.

Three bulls hear that the rancher is bringing another bull onto the ranch.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here three years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the thirty cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keeping all my cows."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year and so far you guys have only let me have ten cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I must keep all my cows."

As they finish their talk, an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it, the biggest sonofabitch bull they had ever seen. Each step he took towards the ground strained the steel ramp to breaking point.

The first bull says, "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "He can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows that I'm a bull!"

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into small village. He sees a local sitting on a porch, patting a dog.

The ventriloquist figures that he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: (pointing at the villager) "Is this villager your owner?"

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool!"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: (pointing at the villager) "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a fucking liar!"