Two guys in a bar were watching the evening news on the television.

The headline story showed a man, obviously suicidal, threatening to jump from a very high bridge.

"I'll bet you a tenner that he'll jump," said the first guy.

"You're on!" replied the second.

Seconds later, the television showed the man throwing himself off the bridge.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again."

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn't have a lot of money. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro between them.

Murphy said "Hang on! I have an idea."

So he went to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."

Murphy replied, "Don't worry! Just follow me."

He led the way into a pub, where he ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money."

Murphy replied "Don't worry! I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks and Murphy said "OK. Listen! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Seamus did as he was instructed. The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued with this act in pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub, Seamus said "Murphy. I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me."

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shot glass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine."

The end of the bar is about 20 feet away. The bartender thinks "That's an easy $100," so he says "OK."

The guy gets on top of the bar and pees all over it, even on the bartender, everywhere but in the shot glass. But the bartender doesn't care and is having a good laugh, because he just won $100.

Very happily the bartender asks for his money. Very happily the guy says "Here you go!"

The bartender asks "Why are you so happy?"

And the guy says "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar?"

The bartender looks and finds a gloomy looking man. "Yup."

"Well, I bet him $1,000 that I could pee all over your bar, all over you and you would still be laughing and having a great time!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a twelve year old scotch whisky.

Believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, the bar tender pours him a shot of the cheap, three yearold house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar. "That is the cheapest three year old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it," he declares. "Now give me a good, twelve year old scotch."

The bartender feels a challenge coming on, so he pours the mane a six year old scotch.

The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only six year old scotch. I won't pay for this," he says. "I insist on a good, twelve year old scotch."

The bartender relents and serves the man his best quality, twelve year old scotch.

Having witnessed the entire episode from the other end of the bar, an old man walks down to the finicky drinker, sets down a glass in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid, yelling "This tastes like piss!"

The old man replies, "That's right. Now tell me how old I am."

An Irishman, an Italian and a Pole are drinking in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "This is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink."

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Pole says "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Polish guy. "But it happened to my sister."

A guy is drinking tequila at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant, high above the city.

He grabs a shot, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he's just seen. He is even more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy comes walking back into the bar, seemingly unscathed, and sits back down next to him.

Astonished, the guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."

He takes another shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until, just before he hits the ground, he slows down and lands softly on his feet.

A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The guy has to try this, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it, goes to the window and jumps. As he nears the ground, he doesn't slow down at all... splat.

The jumper orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

One evening, Kelly hobbled into the pub on a crutch. One of his arms was in a plaster cast and he had two lovely black eyes as well.

"My God! What happened to you?" asked the barman.

"I got into a bit of bother with Riley," said Kelly.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," said the barman. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly admitted. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord, didn't you have anything in your hand?" asked the barman.

"Aye, that I did. Mrs Riley's tit," said Kelly. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

A man had been waiting for his wife to give birth, when the doctor informed him that she had given birth to a baby boy.

"Wonderful!" exclaimed the proud father. "Can I see him?"

"There is some bad news, I'm afraid," said the doctor. "Your son was born without a torso, arms or legs. He is just a head!"

The man soon recovered from the shock and, being the model of a loving father, raised his son him as well as he could with much love and compassion.

On his 18th birthday, the son said that he'd like to visit a pub. His dad duly took him to the local hostelry and ordered two pints of best bitter.

As the locals looked on with curiousity and the landlord shook his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Bang! A torso popped out beneath his head!

The bar went deadly silent and then exploded with whoops of joy. Shocked, the father begged his son to take another sip.

Bang! Two arms popped out of the torso!

The bar went wild. The father, crying with joy, implored his son to drink again.

Somewhat tipsy, the boy reaches down with his new hands, grabbed his pint and threw the last of it down his neck.

Bang! Two legs popped out below the torso!

The pub was in chaos. The father fell to his knees and tearfully thanked God.

The boy stood up on his new legs, stumbled to the left, then to the right and then through the front door into the road outside, where a bus hit him. Death was instantaneous.

The pub fell silent.

The father moaned in grief.

And the landlord sighed and said "He should have quit while he was a head."