A man was eating in a smart restaurant.

At the next table was a gorgeous woman. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards him. With quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my God! I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. One thing led to another and the next morning when he awoke, she had already brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed.

"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replied. "You just happened to catch my eye.

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there, including top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art. There's a feed of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire" and over in the corner George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.

"Oi! Jim!" objects Michael Caine, "The party's just got started. How's about I get one of the ladies to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of how's yer father?"

"Fair play," nods Jim (well that's not his exact words, but you get the gist), "As long as she does the rest of the band too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones. "Don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?"

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young girl by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face.

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls, "You were only s'posed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

Two guys are in the changing room after their squash game, when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt.

"If you don't mind me saying," he says, "That cork looks damned uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?" "

I can't," lamented his squash partner. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the first guy.

The second guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

"So what did you say?"

"No shit."