A man goes to the doctor's surgery for his wife's test results.

Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."

Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which is yours. I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One set shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS."

Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"

Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town."

Mr Smith: "How will that help?"

Receptionist: "Well, if she finds her way home, don't shag her."

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well."

"When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

A midget went to the doctor, complaining that his testicles ached.

"OK. Let's take a look," said the doctor and told the midget to stand on a chair and drop his trousers.

The midget obliged and the doctor put one finger under his left testicle.

"Cough!" ordered the doctor.

The midget obliged.

"Hmmm!" muttered the doctor.

He then placed his finger under the midget's right testicle.

"Cough!" he ordered.

Again the midget obliged.

"Aha! I can see the problem," exclaimed the doctor.

He reached for a pair of scissors and told the midget "Just stand still! This won't hurt a bit."

Bathed in sweat, the midget stood while the doctor went to work. All he could hear was the scissors closing: snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side; then snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. Amazingly and much to his relief, he could feel no pain.

The doctor stood back to admire his handiwork and then announced "OK! You can stand down."

The midget obliged, suddenly realising that the ache in his testicles had gone.

"Amazing! No pain!" he said in delight. "How did you do it?"

"I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots," replied the doctor.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's surgery, waiting for the baby's first examination.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and, being a little concerned by what he'd seen, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast-fed," replied the woman.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did so.

The doctor pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," said the woman. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

A woman with a chronic headache goes to a famous new age holistic doctor as a last resort.

"Doctor," she said, "I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."

The doctor replied "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do. Go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples and repeat this mantra, 'I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache'. Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

She left the doctor's office and tried the manoeuvre in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she started chanting "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache."

She had barely said it four times, when she realised that her headache was gone. Shocked and elated, she ran back to the doctor's office.

"Doctor, you are a genius!" she cried. "Can I please send my husband to see you? He's been having problems in a certain department."

"Really?" said the doctor. "So when was the last time you two had sex?"

"About eight years ago," replied the woman.

"Send him over!" said the doctor.

A few days later she is waiting with bated breath for her husband to return from his visit to the doctor. He arrives home, asks her to wait and goes straight to the bathroom.

When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.

At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples and chanting "That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife..."

A man goes to his doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking viagra three nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition you return to my office on Monday, so that I can check you out."

The man says "OK. You have a deal, Doc."

The following Monday morning, the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks "What happened?"

The man answers "Nobody showed up."

A young couple had been married for only one night when the bride went to the doctor.

"What's up?" asked the doctor.

"Well," said the newly wed wife. "This is my first day of marriage and there is something that bothers me."

"What is it?" asked the doctor.

"Well," said the wife. "During sex I feel his dick touching my kidneys."

"Just send in your husband," replied the doctor. "I'll cut a couple of inches off his dick and it won't be a problem any more."

"Oh no!" exclaimed the wife. "I want you to remove my kidneys instead."

A woman went to a plastic surgeon to make arrangements for a face lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called The Knob, where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and is turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted one and duly received the treatment.

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob when required and the effects were wonderful. She remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, however, she returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine," she said. "I've turned the knob and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems."

"What are those?" asked the plastic surgeon.

"Well," said the woman. "First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The plastic surgeon looked at her closely and said "Those aren't bags. Those are your breasts."

"Oh well," replied the woman. "I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."