Football Jokes, David Beckham Jokes, Alex Ferguson Jokes

Football Jokes

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Sir Alex Ferguson is one of the guests of honour at the Miss World beauty pageant.

During the interval, the guests and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by three of the most beautiful women in the world.

Miss Venezuela pops the first question. "Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won."

Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but is surprised when she lowers a strap on her dress, reveals her left breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?"

Sir Alex, bemused, duly obliges.

Miss Croatia pops the second question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them."

Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but is doubly surprised when she lowers a strap on her dress, reveals her right breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?"

Sir Alex, again bemused, duly obliges.

Miss Argentina pops the third question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons."

Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but is overcome by emotion when she lifts up her dress to reveal the fact that she is wearing no underwear at all and is completely shaven.

She says, "Can you please autograph this for me."

Sir Alex, totally gobsmacked by now, says, "Now hang on a minute love, no, no, no! Last time I signed a bald Argentinian twat, it cost me Ł28 million!"

David Beckham decides to go horse riding.

Although he has had no previous experience, he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time, David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle. He panics and grabs the horse around the neck, shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband, as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!

Hearing her screams, the supermarket security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

Gerard Houlier was looking to sign some new players to help Liverpool's title push, so he sent his chief scout to Afghanistan to search for some new talent.

Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18 year old striker and immediately signs him on a three year deal. In England, Gerard takes one look at him in training and immediately puts him in the starting line up for the big home game against Arsenal.

The new lad is fantastic; he scores a hat trick and creates four more as Liverpool romp it 7-0.

Ecstatic after the game, the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news.

"Mum" he says, "I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team loves me, the fans love me and the press loves me. Life is great!"

"Well," says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you. Shall I tell you what happened to us today? Your Dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight and your brother's joined a vicious gang of killers."

"Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?", she yells down the phone, "You're fucking sorry? It's YOUR fucking fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"