An elderly woman takes up residence in a nursing home.

On her first morning at the home, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems fine but, after a few minutes in her chair, she begins to lean over sideways. Two attentive nurses immediately rush over and straighten her up.

Ten minutes later, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more move her to an upright sitting position.

This goes on all morning.

In the afternoon, the old woman's son arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"Are they treating you all right?" he asks.

"It's fine," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

The old man doesn't want to go to a retirement home, but his family has insisted, so he gives in and lets his eldest son make the arrangements.

The son delivers his father to the home and leaves the old man to it.

On the first night, the old man is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. The old man gets a hard-on.

When the nurse sees it, she climbs aboard and rides the old man to happiness.

The next morning the old man telephones his son and tells him he's changed his mind: he likes the retirement home.

On the second night the old man is heading for his room when he trips and falls face down on the floor.

A big male orderly sees the old man and, without further ado, drops his trousers and sodomises the old man.

The next morning, the old man telephones his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home.

"But yesterday you told me you loved it there," says the son.

"You have to understand," replied the old man, "I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day."

A little old lady went into the bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she had to speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account. After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the President's office.

The President asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied "$165,000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The President was curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he said "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied "I make bets."

The President asked "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

The President laughed. "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged "Would you like to take my bet?"

The President agreed. "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square!"

The little old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the President.

That night, the President got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the President's office. She introduced the lawyer to the President and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the President's balls are square!"

The President agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The President complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and asked if she could feel them.

"Well, okay," said the President, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have the bank's President's balls in my hand."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

"What's that?" asks the first lady.

"A condom," says the second lady. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" asks the first lady.

"You can get them at any drugstore," says the second lady.

The next day, the first lady hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter" she says, "As long as it fits a Camel."

Three men at a nursing home were discussing aging.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a dump?"

"No, I have a dump every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a dump every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

A very old man was lying in his bed, dying.

His granddaughter came in and said "Hi, Grandpa."

"Hi, sweetie," he replied. "Say, are those Grandma's extra special Halloween cookies I smell?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Do you think you can sneak down stairs and get a couple for me?" he asked.

"Sure," she replied.

A few minutes, the little girl came back with a frown on her face.

Grandpa asked "What's wrong?"

"Grandma wouldn't let me have any," said the granddaughter. "She says they're for after the funeral."

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince Charming, she sat happily in her rocking chair with her cat Alan, watching the world go by.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing there after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "You have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.

For a few, eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath, "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and get separated.

When they find each other later, the first old lady says "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replies "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! The penis on it was huge!"

And the first old lady says "Yes! And so cold too!"

An old lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went.

Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."

The old lady figured "What the heck!" as she hadn't found anything else. So she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me!"

So, the old lady figured "What the heck!" and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince, who kissed her back.

You know what the old lady turned into?

THE FIRST MOTEL SHE CAME TO!