The day of judgement has arrived.

God says "All the women should line up behind St Peter and follow him." He continues "And the men should form two lines: to the left, all who have been dominated by their wives on Earth; and, to the right, all who have dominated their wives."

A long queue of women forms and is led off by St Peter.

A long queue of men forms to God's left, leaving one man standing to his right.

God is not impressed. Glowering at the long line on his left, he booms "You should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image and what happened? You were pussy whipped by a woman!"

Turning to the sole man on his right, he continues "But at least there is one man here who I can be proud of. Tell me, my son, how did you come to be standing in this line?"

To which the man replied "My wife told me to stand here."

The Pope is having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to empty his holy, scrotal sacs and this is one of those occasions.

Just as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute," says the Pope, "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after plenty of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million dollars.

The Pope dries himself off and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars," replies the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "The guy who sold you that must have seen you coming."

On their way to the registry office to get married, a young couple had a fatal car accident.

Next thing they knew, they were sitting outside Heaven's gate, waiting to meet St. Peter. While waiting, they wondered whether they could get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me find out." And he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. For months.

They began to wonder if they really should get married in heaven.

"What if it doesn't work out?" the man pondere., "Are we stuck together forever?"

After three months, St. Peter returned, looking rather harrassed.

"Yes," he informed them. "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the man. "But what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?"

Red faced, St. Peter shouted "Come off it! It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

The Seven Dwarves go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarves, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarves start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarves burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarves collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak.

Afterwards he asked the monsignor how he could overcome the problem. The monsignor replied " When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. When I start to get nervous, I take a sip of vodka."

So the following Sunday the priest took the monsignor's advice; and, when the nerves started, he took a drink.

The following day, he found a note pinned to the door of his office. It read:

"1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey. Don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God."

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy's.

15. Finally, when you listen to confession, please say "Tsk! Tsk!" instead of "No shit!"