A beautiful young woman boarded a train and entered a compartment, which was deserted except for a businessman reading his newspaper.

The man looked up and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a tenner?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, so the man returned to his newspaper.

A short while later, he looked up again and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a million dollars?"

After a brief pause, the woman replied "Yes, I suppose I would."

Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later, he asked "Would you let me fuck you for fifty quid?"

"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now. "What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"We've already established that," replied the man. "Now we're haggling over the price."

A little girl is in line to see Santa in his grotto. When it's her turn, she goes in and climbs up on Santa's lap.

"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" asks Santa.

The little girl replies "I want a Barbie and Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says "I thought Barbie comes with Ken".

"Nah!" says the little girl. "She comes with Action Man. She only fakes it with Ken."

A businessman met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did.

Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT".

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed a note that read:

"Dear Madam,

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heating;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heating and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heating, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

Little Johnny sees his Dad's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting that he can barely contain himself as he runs home, where he starts to tell his mother what he's seen.

"Mummy! Mummy! I was at the playground and Daddy and..." he blurted out.

His mother tells him to slow down and to let her hear the whole story.

So Johnny tells her "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, his mother cuts him off and says "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

So when the family is seated at the dinner table that evening, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, the laying down on the seat and continues "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

"Why do you look so glum today?" the teacher asked young Johnny.

"I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled.

"You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the Scottish border?"

"In bed with my mum. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.

My fiance's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place, we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred. Then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that, before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door.

There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was assinine bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.

I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom...

How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

Sarah, a recently-widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and started to read a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, continuing to read.

Sarah persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, he threw down his book, jumped off his blanket and onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate session of her life.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

A young boy asks his father "How many different kind of ladies boobs are there?"

His father answers, "Well, breasts vary depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?" asks the boy.

"Yeah," replies his father. "You see them and they make you cry."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"

Her mother answers "Well, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" asked the daughter.

"Dried up and the balls are only there for decoration," explained the mother.

Why nothing is better than sex:

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.

2. Nothing is free.

3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.

4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.

5. It's perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.

6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won't get sued for it.

7. Keep those hard-earned pounds -- do nothing!

8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.

9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.

10. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.

11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won't lead to any embarrassing situations later on.

12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.

13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.

14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.

15. PMS won't keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).

16. Being "in the mood" to do nothing is no big effort.

17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.

18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.

19. People enjoy getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.

20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.

Q. What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

A. Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.