I called a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and rekindle a little of that old magic that we used to share.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I warend. "I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.

"I'm up for it," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days."

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly and said that she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway", she said. "I've put on a couple of pounds myself."

So I hung up on the fat bitch.

John was driving Bill and his girlfriend to the airport.

They passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of Bud. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of Bud, I'd look like her?"

"No," replied Bill. "If I drank a six pack of Bud, then you'd look like her."

Q: How can you tell whether your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: Why do men name their sexual organs?

A: They don't want a total stranger making most of their decisions.

A lady walks into a Porsche dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

However, as she turns back, standing right next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" he enquires.

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when you hear the price!"