A young couple go to the cinema one evening.

Halfway through the film, the girl says, "I must have a piss. Let me out."

"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it?" says the boyfriend. "Otherwise you'll have to disturb all these people. Besides it's dark, so nobody will see you."

The girl agrees, pulls down her knickers and squats on the floor.

The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her squatting at his feet, so he reaches down and makes a grab. Feeling something long and hard, he pulls back and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No," replies his girlfriend. "I changed my mind. I'm having a dump instead."

When I was younger, I hated going to weddings.

All my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to poke me in the ribs and tell me "You're next!"

They quit that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A guy walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well I'll tell you," replies the bloke.

"You know I live by the railway? Well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies."

"I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short I scored big time!"

"We made love all night. All over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic!" exclaims the barman. "You lucky sod! Was she pretty?"

The bloke replies "I dunno. I never found her head."