A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to a major department store in search of a job. The manager liked him, so he gave him a job as a salesman.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked him “So how many sales did you make today?”

The salesman answered “One.”

The manager groaned. “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

The salesman replied “£101,237.64.”

The manager choked and exclaimed “£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?”

The salesman said “Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.”

“Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.”

“Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki.”

The manager said incredulously “You mean to tell me, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4 x 4?”

The salesman replied “No, no, no. He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said ‘Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you might as well go fishing’.”

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into small village. He sees a local sitting on a porch, patting a dog.

The ventriloquist figures that he’ll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”

Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: (pointing at the villager) “Is this villager your owner?”

Dog: “Yep.”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Villager: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool!”

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: (pointing at the villager) “Is this your owner?”

Horse: “Yep.”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Villager: “The sheep’s a fucking liar!”