Seems an Akansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run.

So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.

The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.

“Out drinking again?” she says. “How much money did you spend this time?”

“£300,” answers the man.

“£300!” she shouts. “That’s ridiculous, spending that much in one night.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” he replies. “You don’t smoke, you don’t drink and you have your own pussy.”

A policeman found a very drunk man staggering about the pavement with a key in his hand.

“What’s happening here then?” asked the policeman.

“They stole my car!” shouted the man.

“Where did you last see the car, sir?” asked the policeman.

“On the end of this key!” wailed the man.

The policeman looked hard at the man and said “Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?”

“Shit!” screamed the drunk. “They kidnapped my wife too!”

A guy staggers into a bar and shouts, “A double whisky please, barman, and a drink for everyone here. And while you’re at it, have one yourself.”

“Well thank you, sir,” says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, “Another whisky for me and the same again for everyone else.”

The barman looks a little worried and says, “Excuse me, sir, but don’t you think you should pay me for that last round first?”

The guy replies, “I can’t. I don’t have any money.”

Hearing this, the barman flies into a rage and throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later, the guy staggers back in and shouts out, “A double whisky for me and a drink for all my friends.”

“I suppose you’ll be offering me a drink too?” the barman asks, marvelling at the guy’s nerve.

“Not likely,” slurs the guy, “You get nasty when you’ve had a drink.”

A couple are woken at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger is standing in the pouring rain.

“Can you give us a push?” askes the stranger.

“Not a chance!” says the husband, slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk asking for a push,” he replies.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“Are you kidding?” he replies in astonishment. “No! I did not! It is three o’clock in the morning and it is pouring with rain outside.”

The wife says “You should be ashamed of yourself! Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.”

So the husband gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls into the darkness “Hello! Are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls the husband.

“Yes please!” comes the reply.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.

Colin came home stinking drunk from the pub late one Friday evening and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep himself.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

“Who the hell are you?” demanded Colin. “And what are you doing in my bedroom?”.

The mysterious man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”.

Colin was stunned “You mean I’m dead?! That can’t be! I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back straight away.”

St Peter replied “You can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”

Colin was devastated but, knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad,” he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?”

“It’s not so bad” replied Colin. “But I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m about to explode.”

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.

“Never!” replied Colin.

“Well just relax and let it happen,” said the rooster.

And so he did; and a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him – ever!

The joy kept coming but, as he was about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting.

Colin! Wake up you drunken bastard! You’re shitting in the bed!”

A man had been drinking since the early evening and was beginning to display his ugly side.

“Hey, how about it, babe? You and me?” he asked the woman sitting alone beside him.

The woman stood up to move to another seat.

“Darling, you look as though you could use the money, but I only have £2 left,” the man shouted.

The woman looked back at him and asked loudly “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

A drunk is sitting in a bar.

“Bartender! Give me another drink,” he shouts.

The bartender shakes his head and says “No! You’re drunk.”

“Well,” the drunk says, “How about if I show you something really neat? Then, will you give me another drink?”

“OK,” the bartender says, “But it will have to be really spectacular.”

The drunk takes a small saxophone and a frog out of his pockets and sets them on the bar. The frog picks up the saxophone and starts playing a jazz song.

The bartender says that is worth a drink. The drunk guzzles it down, and asks for another.

“You can’t have another,” the bartender says. “You’ve had too many already.”

“If you let me have another drink, I’ll show you something more spectacular than the frog,” says the drunk.

The bartender laughs at the drunk, but he agrees. So the drunk pulls a hamster out of his pocket and puts it up on the bar beside the frog. The frog plays the saxophone again and the hamster sings to the music.

The bartender laughs and puts another drink on the bar.

Another guy sitting next to the drunk has been watching the show. He says “You’ve got an amazing team there. I’ll give you £1,000,000 for them right now.”

“They are not for sale,” the drunk says.

“OK, £1,000,000 just for the frog.”

“He’s not for sale.”

“OK, £1,000,000 just for the hamster.”

The drunk agrees, so the guy gives the drunk the money and walks out of the bar with the hamster.

The bartender, shocked and confused, asks the drunk “Why did you sell the hamster? You broke up an amazing team.”

“No I didn’t,” the drunk says. “You see, the frog’s a ventriloquist.”