A little boy walks into the bathroom and catches his mother topless.

“Mummy! What are those?” he asks, pointing to her breasts.

“Well, son,” replies his mother. “These are balloons and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.”

Satisfied with this explanation, the boy leaves the bathroom.

Two days later, the boy rushes into the kitchen.

“Mummy! Mummy!” he shouts. “Aunt Mary is dying!

“What do you mean?” asks his mother.

“Well,” replies her son, “She’s in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling God, I’m coming! God, I’m coming!”

Three boys are asked by their teacher to say what they would like to be made of and to explain why.

The first boy says “I would like to be made of gold, Miss.”

“Why is that?” asked the teacher.

“Well, I could scratch my arm and a bit of gold would fall off and I could buy myself a car.”

“Very good,” said his teacher.

The second boy says “I would like to be made of platinum, because it’s worth more than gold and when I scratch myself I will be able to by two cars.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

The third boy said “I would like to be made of pubic hair, Miss.”

“And why is that?” the teacher asked in suprise.

“Well my sister only has a little bit and you should see the cars outside my house.”

Sam was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy, when his brother and sister-in-law barged into the room holding their newborn baby.

“Stop! You can’t do this!” shouted his brother.

“Why not?” asked Sam.

“Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday, like Wendy and me have here?”

Sam said nothing, while his brother grew impatient.

“Come on, Sam! I want a nephew,” the brother pleaded. “Make me an uncle!”

Sam gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother “You’re sure you want a nephew?”

“Yes,” his brother replied. “It would be an honour.”

So Sam replied “Well congratulations, you’re holding him!”

A little girl runs out to the garden and asks her father “What’s sex?”

The father is shocked, but thinks it best to be honest so he explains in great depth all about the birds and the bees. By the time he is finished, the daughter is wide eyed.

“Why did you want to know this?” asks her father.

“Because Mum said to tell you dinner would be ready in a couple of secs,” she replies.

A man is standing in a queue at the supermarket, when he notices that the sexy blonde standing behind him is smiling knowingly at him.

He is quite taken aback that such a looker would be doing this to him. He thinks her face is familiar, but he can’t place where he might know her from.

He says “Sorry, do you know me?”

She replies “I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children.”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

“Christ!” he says “Are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates, whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and put a cucumber up my arse?”

“Um, no,” she says. “I’m your son’s Maths teacher.”

A son asked his father “Dad, what’s the difference between Potentially and Realistically?”

His father replied “If you really want to know, ask your mother if she’ll sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then ask your sister if she’ll sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. And then ask your brother if he’ll sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds. Let me know what you find out.”

So the son went to his mother and asked “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?”

His mother replied “For a million pounds? You bet I would!”

Then he went to his sister and asked if she’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds.

His sister replied “Would I ever! I’d love to!”

And finally he found his brother and asked “Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds?”

His brother replied “Well, a million pounds is a lot of money. Yes, I guess I’d do it for a million pounds.”

The boy went back to his father.

“What did you find out?” asked the father.

The son replied “Well, we’re Potentially sitting on three million dollars, but realistically we’re living with two sluts and a fag.”

A man married a woman with an identical twin sister. Less than a year later, he filed for a divorce.

The judge asked “Why are you seeking a divorce?”

“Your honour,” said the man, “Every so often my sister-in-law would visit us and because she and my wife are identical twins, occasionally I’d end up making love to her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” said the judge.

“You’d better believe there’s a difference, your honour, replied the man. “That’s why I want the divorce.”

For three years, a young solicitor had been taking short vacations at a country inn. On his last visit, he’d finally managed to get his leg over with the innkeeper’s daughter.

On arriving for his next visit, he was looking forward to an exciting few days, but he stopped short as he was climbing the stairs to his room. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have been married and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said. “When my parents found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”