Three men were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women and started getting friendly with them, when suddenly the Sheikh came in.

“I am the master of all these women,” said the Sheikh. “No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.”

The Sheikh turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.

“I’m a cop”, said the first man.

“Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the Sheikh.

He turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

“I’m a fireman”, said the second man.

“Then we will burn your penis off!”, said the sheikh.

Finally, he asked the third man “And you, what do you do for a living?”

And the third man answered “I’m a lollipop salesman.”

A man was complaining to a workmate about a pain in his elbow.

“It hurts like hell,” he said. “I suppose I’d better see a doctor.”

“Don’t waste your time at the surgery,” his mate replied. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the supermarket. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs a fiver.”

So the man collected a urine sample and took it to the supermarket.

He popped five, one pound coins into the computer, which responded by asking for his urine sample. The man poured the sample into a slot on top of the computer and waited.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout that read:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks”.

The man was amazed, but he began wondering whether the computer could be fooled. So he mixed some tap water with a stool sample from his dog, added urine samples from his wife and daughter and, for good measure, masturbated into the mixture. Then he hurried back to the supermarket.

He popped five, one pound coins into the computer and, when bidden by the computer, poured the sample into the slot. Ten seconds later, the computer printed the following:

“1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren’t yours. See a solicitor.

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.”

A man goes to his optician for an eye examination.

They strike up a conversation, in the middle of which the optician says “You need to stop masturbating.”

The man replies “Why? Am I going blind?”

“No. It upsets the other patients in the waiting room.”

A young woman awaiting admittance to a maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

“I don’t have a husband.” she replies.

“Do you have a partner then?” asks the midwife.

“No. I’ll be having my baby on my own.”

After the birth, the midwife tells the young woman “You have a healthy, bouncing, baby girl, but I must warn you that she is black.”

“That’s no surpise,” replies the new mother. “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black.”

“Oh, I’m very sorry!” says the midwife. “But I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”

“That figures,” the women replies. “The black actor’s co-star was Swedish.”

“The baby also has slanted eyes,” said the midwife.

“There was a little Chinese man in the movie as well,” said the new mother.

At this, the midwife presents the baby to its mother, who immediately gives the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims “Thank God for that!”

“What do you mean?” says the midwife.

“Well,” says the mother. “I was worried that she was going to bark.”

A Welshman new to farming buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

“Try again!” he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

“No,” she says. “They’re all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn.”

A man was sitting at a bar, staring at his untouched beer and looking downcast.

The barman asked “What’s up, mate?”

The man replied “I spoke to my brother today. He told me that there is a private sperm bank near his office paying £25 per donation.”

The barman asked “And what’s the problem with that?”

The man replied “It made me realise that since puberty I’ve allowed a fortune to slip through my fingers.”

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago.

Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father’s death, the male whale says to the female “Let’s go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales.”

The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.

Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells “They’re going to shore! Let’s go gobble them up!”

The female whale becomes less cooperative. “Sure”, she says, “I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I’m swallowing seamen!”

Apparently these are genuine complaints from council house tenants:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. …and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it any more.

3. …it’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in the back passage.

6. …and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was bad wind that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, it is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

15. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.

16. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp, we have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single women living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC 2.

A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. Thanking his lucky stars, he heads straight for the off licence and buys a bottle of white wine.

It takes no more than an hour for the tramp to polish off the vino, whereupon he collapses in a doorway and falls into a drunken stupor.

A few minutes later, a homosexual passes the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having enjoyed much in the way of sexual activity for a while, he pulls down the tramp’s trousers and does the dirty deed. Before leaving, he tucks a five pound note into the tramp’s coat pocket.

After waking the next day, the tramp discovers the fiver in his pocket. He can barely believe his good fortune at finding a fiver two days running, so he heads back to the same off licence and buys another bottle of white wine. Retiring to the same doorway as before, he downs the vino in some style and, once again, passes out.

Some time later, the same homosexual walks by and notices the tramp. Unable to contain himself, he does the dirty deed once more; and, once again, he leaves a fiver in the tramp’s coat pocket.

The following day the tramp awakens and finds yet another fiver in his coat pocket, so it’s away to the off licence once more post haste. This time he takes a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant.

By now familiar with the tramp’s usual habits, the sales assistant asks why he is buying red wine today.

“I quite like the white wine,” replies the tramp. “But it doesn’t half make my arse sore.”

Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, Bush asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. Having found his way there, he was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, Dubya told his wife “Just think, when I am President I’ll have my own personal gold urinal!”

A few days later, Laura Bush had lunch with Hillary Clinton at her tour of the White House. She told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President’s private bathroom, there was a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary told Bill “Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone.”

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.

She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of older people buy cat food to eat and the government requires proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She went home and brought in her dog. They sold her dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier refused, saying “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box, pulled it out and exclaimed “That smells like shit!”

The little old lady said “It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

It was entertainment night at a nursing home. The Amazing Claude, a famed hypnotist, was topping the bill.

At the start of the show, Claude announced “Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want each and every one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

Dozens of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“Shit!” exclaimed Claude.

It took three days to clean up the place.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?

A. You never take her out again.