Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it’s worth it.

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

A gang member was holding his eight month old baby when it “Mother.”

The guy hollered to his wife “Hey! The baby just said half a word!”

Why won’t cannibals eat divorced women?

Because they are always bitter.

Bill and Lynn had married under rather unfortunate circumstances. Their married life hadn’t been anything to brag about either.

To everyone’s amazement, after living together for 35 years, Bill decided he wanted a divorce.

In court, the judge asked for the grounds on which Bill was seeking to divorce his wife.

“It’s like this, your Honour,” answered Bill. “I’ve just learned that Lynn’s father never had a license to carry a gun.”

A man of 90 years married a young woman who was barely out of her teens.

When they were tucked up in bed in the honeymoon suite, the newly-wed bride turned to her husband and asked “Are we going to have rampant sex tonight?”

The old man responded by raising his right hand with the fingers outstretched.

“Wow! You mean we’re going to do it five times?” asked his wife.

“No, my darling,” he replied. “Just pick a finger.”

One day, Pinocchio’s wife said “You leave too many splinters when you fuck me. I’m leaving you!”

So Pinnochio went to Gepetto and said “Hey! Give me something to get rid of these splinters!”

So Gepetto gave Pinnochio some sandpaper and said “Use this twice a week for a month.”

Next month, Gepetto asked Pinnochio “Did she come back?”

And Pinnochio said, “Who needs that bitch? I’ve got the sandpaper!”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

A husband felt like some nookie, but his wife wanted to use his computer to check her e-mail.

Thinking that the shock effect might do the trick, when his wife asked for his password he replied slowly and deliberately “P… E… N… I… S.”

His wife fell off her chair laughing when she saw the error message “Password rejected – insufficient length.”

A man wants to get married, but he is having trouble choosing from three likely candidates. So he gives each woman £5,000 and waits to see what each does with the money.

The first has a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, has new make up and buys several new outfits so she can dress up for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him, because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She makes 350% profit and, after returning £5,000 to the man, she reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future, because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then he married the blonde with the big tits.

A man and his young son are in a chemist’s shop, when the son sees the shelf of condoms.

“What are these for, Dad?” he asks.

His dad replies “Well son, those are condoms and they’re for protection when you’re having sex.”

The son picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it.

His dad replies “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

The son picks up one with six condoms asks “Why six?”

His dad replies “Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

The son notices the twelve pack of condoms and asks “Why twelve?”

His dad replies “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

What do tornados and marriage have in common?

They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you lose your house.

A man goes to the doctor’s surgery for his wife’s test results.

Mr Smith: “I’m here for Mrs Smith’s test results.”

Receptionist: “Oh I’m sorry Mr Smith, there’s been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don’t know which is yours. I’m afraid it’s bad news or terrible news. One set shows Alzheimer’s Disease, the other shows AIDS.”

Mr Smith: “That’s awful! What should I do?”

Receptionist: “The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town.”

Mr Smith: “How will that help?”

Receptionist: “Well, if she finds her way home, don’t shag her.”

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, “How did it go?”

The man answered, “Not that well.”

“When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”