As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.

To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

A policeman found a very drunk man staggering about the pavement with a key in his hand.

“What’s happening here then?” asked the policeman.

“They stole my car!” shouted the man.

“Where did you last see the car, sir?” asked the policeman.

“On the end of this key!” wailed the man.

The policeman looked hard at the man and said “Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?”

“Shit!” screamed the drunk. “They kidnapped my wife too!”

An American tourist in London is wandering around the city, taking in the sights and generally getting to know the people. Every so often he stops at a pub, orders a pint and takes the opportunity to chat with the natives.

Eventually the beer catches up with him. He has to go, but he’s in a part of the city with no pubs, no stores, no restaurants and no public toilets, just large, stately residences. Close to the point of passing out, he finds a narrow side street with high walls on both sides and opts to take a leak there.

He starts to unzip his trousers, but then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns his head to find a policeman stood behind him.

“I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t do that here,” says the policeman.

“I’m sorry as well, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go and I can’t find a public toilet.”

“Follow me, sir,” says the policeman, who proceeds to lead the American to a wall with a small gate. Opening the gate, he says “Try in there.”

The American goes through the gate and emerges into the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Everything is perfection: manicured lawns, statuary, fountains and sculptured hedges, one of which he waters generously.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the policeman, “Thanks. Was that an example of British hospitality?”

“No, sir,” replies the policeman. “That was the French Embassy.”

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying twat told you I was speeding too!

Q: What’s the only animal that has an arsehole half way up its back?
A: A police horse.