A man and a woman were having sex in a dark forest.

After about ten minutes, the man said “You know, I wish I had a torch.”

“So do I”, replied the woman. “You’ve been eating grass for the last ten minutes.

Two pensioners had been dating for a few weeks. Finally, the evening came when they decided to have sex.

As they lay in bed afterward, the man thought to himself “If I’d known she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle with her.”

And the woman thought to herself “If I’d known he could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose.”

A man went into a chemist and asked the girl behind the counter for three packs of condoms.

“Have you tried the coloured ones?” she asked. “There’s blue, red and yellow.”

“Actually I haven’t, but I think I will give them a go,” replied the man. “I’ll have a pack of each colour please.”

The girl gave him the condoms and he left.

Nine months later, the same man walked into the chemist. The same girl was serving behind the counter.

“I’ll have one maternity bra please,” said the man.

“What bust?” asked the girl.

The man replied “The blue one.”

A Frenchman, an Italian and an Englishman were discussing love-making.

“Last night I made love to my wife three times” boasted the Frenchman. “She was in sheer ecstasy this morning.”

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “This morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.”

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once.” he replied.

“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted.  “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop.”

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Bob were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said, “Bob, it’s been a long time now. I REALLY need to have sex.”

Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying, “Go to Earth, oh Thor, and find yourself a prostitute and give her a bloody good seeing to.”

So Thor did just that.

The next day, he came back up to see Bob and told him of the previous night’s events.

“Oh Bob,” he said, grinning like a shagged out god. “It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times.”

“37 times?!” exclaimed Bob. “You must go and apologise this instant!”

So Thor went back down to Earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying “I’m sorry about last night, but you see, I’m Thor…”

“You’re Thor?!” shouted the girl. “You’re Thor?! I can’t even pith!”

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together. They weren’t enjoying each other’s company.

One morning, the first friend says “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around. You hike south and spend the day looking around. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the camp fire.”

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

“Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

The second friend says “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

“Wow!” the first guy exclaimed. “Your day was much better than mine. Did you get a blow job too?”

“Nah,” says the second friend. “I couldn’t find her head.”

Love is complicated machinery, but sometimes good screw fix it.

Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q. What is the difference between love, true love and a show off?

A. Spit, swallow and gargle.

A man arrives home from work and finds his wife shagging the young lad from next door.

“What the hell are you doing?!” asks the man.

“I’m riding a bus,” the young lad replies.

“That’s a stupid thing to say!” says the man.

“That’s a stupid thing to ask!” replies the lad.

A successful businessman was having dinner with a female account executive from Liverpool, who had been pitching for his business. After one too many glasses of wine, he bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

The account executive was intrigued.

She said “If I’m not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with you. Let’s go back to my hotel.”

So they went back to her hotel and, after a couple of drinks went to bed and had mad passionate sex.

Afterwards, the old man said “If you think that was good, let me sleep for an hour and we can have even better. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.”

She was a little perplexed by this request, but willingly agreed.

True to his word, the man woke up an hour later and they had even better sex than before.

“Now let me sleep for two hours,” he said. “And we’ll have the best sex yet. But you’ll have to…”

“I know. You want me to hold onto your bat ‘n’ balls again. No problem!” she replied and complied willingly.

Two hours later, he woke again and the results were absolutely mind blowing.

The woman asked “Tell me, this business of holding your balls in one hand and your dick in the other, does it really stimulate you that much?”

The man replied “No, not at all. But the last time I slept with a Scouser, the bitch stole my wallet.”

A young boy asks his father “How many different kind of ladies boobs are there?”

His father answers, “Well, breasts vary depending on a woman’s age. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” asks the boy.

“Yeah,” replies his father. “You see them and they make you cry.”

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother “Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?”

Her mother answers “Well, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” asked the daughter.

“Dried up and the balls are only there for decoration,” explained the mother.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, “How did it go?”

The man answered, “Not that well.”

“When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”