A man went into a chemist and asked the girl behind the counter for three packs of condoms.

“Have you tried the coloured ones?” she asked. “There’s blue, red and yellow.”

“Actually I haven’t, but I think I will give them a go,” replied the man. “I’ll have a pack of each colour please.”

The girl gave him the condoms and he left.

Nine months later, the same man walked into the chemist. The same girl was serving behind the counter.

“I’ll have one maternity bra please,” said the man.

“What bust?” asked the girl.

The man replied “The blue one.”

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?”

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?”

The little girl in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says “I don’t fink my pyfon gives a fuck.”

The Ann Ardor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order.

The man ordered onion rings.

The clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast.

Frustrated, the man walked away.

Seems an Akansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run.

So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.

The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop.

While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, pulls out his chopper and places it on the counter.

“What are you doing, Sir?”, she asks. “This is a clock shop!”

He replies “I know it is and I would like two hands and a face put on this.”

A deaf mute walks into a chemist’s to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and, finally, in frustration unzips his trousers, places his dick on the counter and places a £5 note next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute and then picks up the £5 note and puts it in his pocket.

Totally exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

“Look,” the pharmacist says. “If you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t bet.”

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change

When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the count.

The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.

She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of older people buy cat food to eat and the government requires proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She went home and brought in her dog. They sold her dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier refused, saying “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box, pulled it out and exclaimed “That smells like shit!”

The little old lady said “It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the correct pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are and do it very slowly?”

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but can’t get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune, the Asda store assistant sees her and unplugs the horse.

A German family go to town one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop, the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister “I’ve decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday.”

His big sister is outraged by this. She whacks him round the head and says “Go and talk to your mother.”

So off goes the little lad with the football shirt in hand and finds his mother.

“Mum?”

“Yes, son?”

“I’ve decided I’m going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday.”

The mother is outraged at this, whacks him around the head twice and says “Go and talk to your father.”

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“I’ve decided I’m going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday.”

The father is outraged, whacks his son around the head four times and says “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in that!”

About half an hour later, they’re all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today.”

The son says “Yes, Dad. I have.”

“Good, son. What is it?” asks his father.

The son replies “I’ve only been an England supporter for an hour and I hate all you German bastards already.”

A woman entered a pharmacy and asked “Do you sell extra large condoms?”

The counter assistant replied “As a matter of fact we do. Would you like some?”

The woman responded “No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?”

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the shop assistant where he can find the shaving cream.

“Aisle 3,” replies the assistant.

The man finds the shaving cream and returns to the counter to pay for it.

The assistant asks “What kind of razor do you have?”

The man replies “What does it matter?”

The assistant says “Well, sometimes different creams work better with certain razors.”

Thinking the assistant is talking bullshit, the man pays and leaves.

A few days later, the man returns to the store for toothpaste.

This time the assistant asks “What kind of toothbrush do you use?”

The man replies “What does it matter?”

The assistant says “Well, sometimes different toothpastes work better with certain toothbrushes.”

The following week, the man enters the store with a box in his hand. He walks up to the shop assistant and says “Take a whiff of that!”

The assistant does so and recoils in disgust.

“That smells like shit!” he says.

“Exactly!” says the man. “Now what brand of toilet paper should I buy?”

A man with a serious winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we’re afraid your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry, we can’t hire you.”

“But wait!” says the interviewee. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking.”

“Really? Great! Show me.!” says the interviewer.

So the interviewee reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and stops winking.

“Well,” said the interviewer. “That’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country.”

“Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!” exclaimed the interviewee.

“So how do you explain all these condoms?” asked the interviewer.

“Oh, that!” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”